mae + nolia, one word, & dreams

I'm staring at a blinking cursor on a blank page, not sure where to begin. Welcome to my newly-renamed blog and quiet space. I'm hoping to make this space a lot less quiet from now on.

mae + nolia? I like naming things. I like when things have deep, deep meaning... almost to a fault. Mae is obviously after my girl, and Nolia alludes to magnolia, which is a favorite spring bloom of mine and, to me, represents a fresh, beautiful start. My shop now has the same name, and this new consistency and simplicity makes my heart happy.

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Life is busy and so full. I love to plan; I need to plan. I never do not have at least five lists going and I'd be lost without my calendars (one in an actual paper planner, one on my phone). I want to do everything - it's never possible, but it's in my nature to just want to do it all. I'm working on prioritizing my plans as they relate to the things that matter most. My family must not suffer in my efforts to prioritize and sort out this mind that is just fit to burst with all I must do. Thankfully, God is so gracious and so good - and He shows me the good He's made in me, despite my tendency to see only the flaws in my nature.

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Despite it being April of this year already, I want to record my word of the year. I've chosen a word for the year, every year, for the past few years. This year, it's faithful. I couldn't even begin to recount the instances in the past year that the Lord has been so blatantly faithful. From answers to long-time prayers (and the answers were "yes" answers, nonetheless!), to the grace I've seen extended, to the blessings that have been piled upon me and my family, to the opportunities that have been given (and the close-walking He's required of me through these opportunities) - He's been faithful. Let me say it again: He's been so faithful. I am brought to tears by the simple, yet rich words of the song that declares, "You are faithful, God you are faithful." He's faithful when I'm not. I've had a renewed longing to show Him the faithfulness He's heaped upon me.

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I am so lucky to have friends that understand me and dream with me. Mid-last year, my dear friend Dezirae and I collaborated to start a business that integrated our love for paper goods, organization, lists, notebooks, design, and doing life well. Enter: Well-Press Paper.

We've set up shop and were even able to participate in a local indie artisan market in the fall.  Our brand focus is not just on well designed, handmade and/or handstitched, high quality paper products - it's a mission and conviction to do LIFE well. Prioritize, then after those priorities are nailed down, do them well. In our brand's development, we've clung to Romans 12:2: Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will. Constant renewal and transformation. I do like my endeavors to have a deep-rooted meaning, don't I? ;)

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One more thing: I'll be hosting an Instagram (I'm @maeandnolia) giveaway next week to "celebrate" my rebrand. It's going to be a "fun things for both mama and baby" giveaway - with a handful of lovely shops participating (which may or may not include Freshly Picked moccasins)!

updates for days

Wooah. So. Much. Info. To. Share.

Let's just delve right in. This has been a busy, BUSY season in my life. It's funny, I feel like once school starts things will actually calm down- probably because we will actually have a set schedule. But, who am I kidding? I'll probably still be running around like a crazy person, because that's how I do.

My first VeryJane deal went super well, yet I did pull my first all-nighter of my whole life finishing up as my deadline loomed. So a few weeks later, I got the itch again, and here I am- currently I'm taking a break from cutting and ironing, in preparation to again make over 150 headbands for my second deal, which ended a few days ago. But bonus! As I sew the night (and early morning) away, Netflix comes to the rescue! I am an expert on many things now, thanks to Netflix, including Taylor Swift, Auschwitz, nursery schools in NYC, homebirths, and I also mastered the first season of New Girl and the entire series of Felicity. I've also listened to many o' sermon, podcast, and my entire iTunes playlist so many times that listening to them now brings me to the point of nausea. And yet, I love it all. I love growing my business, making some money, and feeling like I am contributing financially. It's stressful but fun.

Speaking of my shop, there have been a few more exciting things unfolding. I prayed so hard for my business to grow. I prayed that just ONE opportunity would come up. Most of all, I prayed that God would reveal Himself to me through even my business and keep my heart and intentions focused solely on Him. Not focusing on money, popularity, success, or my own skills and creativity, but ONLY on Him. And, with that mindset, He has graciously chosen to bless me. I need to have daily (sometimes hourly... okay, by the minute) heart-checks to be sure that I am not focused on how many people have favorited my shop or commented on my photos or how many sales I've made- and if I do let myself be consumed with those things, to be serious with God and if my intentions are not right, to request He take everything away from me. I love that He can grow me and change my heart through ANYTHING, even through business, as silly as it may sound. I pray that I consciously need Him every single step of the way.

The past few weeks have been a little extra stressful with the all my work and endeavors combined with mothering combined with Ryan being out of town all week. He got a new job and is training - so being mom and dad for weeks straight has been hard.

I've also updated my shop with tons of new pretties - and I have even more to photograph and list. I just tonight brought a bunch of headbands to my salon and they will be for sale there as well. 

Also! I am going to be a vendor in the Sashes Market at the The Influence Conference at the end of September. I am terrified and nervous. But crazy excited.
Also, also. I was a contributor to The Tethered Crate this past month and I'm giving away a shop credit on The Tethered Crate blog - there's still a few days left to enter!

We had some special visitors this past month. Kerry, Rob, Luke and Lilah stayed for a quick and wonderful visit at the beginning of the month. The next weekend, the Wards came to spend a super awesome few days with us. And then the next weekend, my sweet Sarah from Boston visited for the weekend. Love.

Then there's my kids... Brynlee is 4 going on 25, Mac is suddenly potty trained, and Evyn is a crawling machine and has two teeth threatening to poke through. How is this all happening all so fast?! I do love it so much though- I love my big kids and I love the reward of them becoming less and less physical "work" and more and more molding and teaching and humor and eye opening wonder. Just the other day, Brynlee randomly said to me, "Mommy, the world is just so interesting!" Oh my sweet girl.  Sometimes I feel like I learn way more from them than they learn from me.

let's play catch-up

Well hello there.  Clearly, a game of catch-up is in order around these parts.  I've been so busy- physically but mostly mentally.  My mind is a constant jumble-y swirl of big ideas, to-dos, emotions, inspiration, anxieties, and dreams, yet writing all those things down seems to be the most ultimately exhausting and overwhelming task lately.  I want to do, see, feel, and be everything.  Sometimes, when I want to do everything I have a hard time starting even one thing.  I'm not discouraged; I'm actually more inspired and hopeful in so many ways than I have been in a long time.  Yet, I know writing is so therapeutic for me, so I think a little effort needs to be made.  Surely I will miss many details in this collection of words from the past three months (especially since my brain is pure mush these days- yet I can remember entire songs from 90's boy bands from my highschool days word-for-word but can't remember if I took my vitamins five minutes ago- it's bad, people), but let the mental flow begin!

Let's play catch-up!

projects I've/we've been working on:

landscaping, room designing, nursery finishing (I swear I'll take/share pictures, hopefully before Evyn grows out of the crib), basement designing (I'm trying to make the space more efficient and organized- for the kids AND me), losing weight (blah- dropping the baby weight the third time around has been so tough for me), putting laundry away before it's been sitting in the basket for a week (I'm rarely successful at this), a rock box and a built in bench/storage in our back entryway (built by Ryan, who is killin' it with project completion lately!), various lovely-fabric-involving accessories throughout the house, and sorting through thousands of pictures on my computer- I need to delete seriously 1/3 of them due to blurriness, duplicates, etc.  It's such a daunting task!


things I've been learning:

Oh my.  This one might get lengthy.  I tend to have my thinking time and epiphanies when I'm in the shower or doing something in which writing down my thoughts is impossible (and immediately writing down said thoughts is vital or else they are GONE- mush brain, remember?) so I'll try my very hardest to keep the thoughts and ideas from flying away and, as soon as I can, dictate them into the notes app on my phone so they are at least somewhat preserved.

I'm learning that I need to find my identity in Christ ALONE.  Not in being a mother, wife, friend, daughter... I could go on but I'm pretty sure my point has been made.  I need to be confident in my identity.  There needs to be no room for fear and uncertainty.

I'm learning that I need to not only endure this crazy, exhausting, overwhelming season of life I'm in (I love my kids more than life but having three kids three and under has just plain rocked my world way harder than my smug self ever thought it would), but I need to also embrace it.  I originally named this blog "Embrace the Space" because I was focusing on embracing the fact that we had moved away from home and I needed to accept where we were physically living and doing life.  I feel like the "embracing" sentiment applies more figuratively to me now- it's all so cliche and yet so darn true.

I'm learning (from reading "Desperate") that one of the most important things I need to do right now is turn off the "voices."  Whether it be trying to avoid getting lost on Facebook, choosing to not read every (well-meaning) advice/parenting/spiritual article that is linked in social media, or paring down my blog-read list, it's all been so helpful to me in learning to actually think more for myself and my family, rather than seeing how everyone else does things and going from there.  Plus- it's helping me to turn to the Bible for answers first.  Who would have thought?! ;)  I'm also trying to not turn off my own voice and to stand firm in my convictions.  This girl has a long way to go in the confidence realm, but it's slowly building.  I'm so grateful for growth.

I'm also learning who I am.  I am getting to know myself in a way that I never have before.  God has been so gracious to me in teaching me that so many things about my personality that I've always seen as a flaw or a weakness might actually be HOW HE MADE ME.  It seems so very simple, but it all just blows my mind.  For example, most people may not see this, but I am (on the inside) very, very shy in many social situations.  I've spent most of my life trying to cover that up and act like someone who I'm not (and in the process making myself just look nervous, awkward, or just plain dumb) in such situations.  Instead of fighting and hating my shyness, I want to be able to just embrace who I am and focus on that, not on who/what I want to be.  I know I can be shy and still be confident at the same time.  I do still have the desire to be warm, social, and comfortable- I know deep down these are all qualities that God has allowed me to possess, and I so desire to find a balance of them all.  Personalities just captivate me- I love studying people and have been trying so hard to see strong qualities in the people around me as qualities God intends for good, despite how they might be misinterpreted and misused.


events I'm looking forward to:

summer activities, weddings, the Influence Conference this fall, spending time with the ones we love this summer, weekly playdates with some of my bests, and summer visits from some of my very favorite people.


products/items I've been loving (beauty, home, food, etc.):

coconut oil (for basically everything... no, really), my Rifle Paper Co. phone case, lemon italian ice, anything gold (especially jewelry), the "Choose Happiness" aromatherapy candle from Target , Ruum kids clothing (even though I still pine for 77Kids), Tarte mascara, Simple face wipes, and Surface hairspray (seriously, the best hairspray I've ever used!).


happy things that have happened in the past 3 months: 

We went to the Outer Banks with the Kirnan clan way back in early April.  It was just the break we all needed.

We finally got a new kitchen table and chairs- I'd share a picture if I had one but let me say I LOVE THEM.

In mid-May, I was able to travel to North Carolina and be present for the birth of my best friend Kerry's new baby girl.  God orchestrated it all in such a way that I will never doubt again that He truly does care about EVERY detail of our lives and pays attention to what's important to us.  She went into labor literally when I walked in her door and she had her dream birth experience (and met her baby GIRL Lilah Hope!) a mere five hours later.  I still get chills just thinking about those few days.  It was all so miraculous and surreal.  Evyn was my travel buddy and she didn't bat an eyelash at our plane rides, airport waiting, and disrupted schedules.  That girl.

Brynlee finished preschool!  She'll be going three days next year and Mac will be going two days.  I twitch involuntarily thinking about having to get the kids out the door EVERY morning starting in September.

Ryan and I have imposed a weekly date night which has been so great for us.  Whether we go out or (more often) have a "date night in," we get a chance to touch base and spend some intentional time together.  I'd highly recommend it.

Mother's Day and Father's Day.

Evyn Mae turned six months old.
Then seven months old.
Then EIGHT MONTHS OLD.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!

This little sunshine is just the light of my life.  She is so happy all. the. time.  She loves food, the other kids, attention, snuggling, and tickles.  She sits up pretty steadily now and rolls around but has no interest in crawling and I'm juuust fine with that.  She is so incredibly sweet and her hair is filling in and is still pretty red.  I hope it stays that way, it's so pretty!

Meghan and Greyson came to visit and stayed with us all last week and it was glorious to get to spend so much time with them.  That big-little nephew of mine rivals Evyn in the sweetness category and, unlike his cousin, is a crawling machine.  I love that boy as if he was mine.  And he pretty much is. :) I'm also pretty sure we aren't going to get a picture of all our kids smiling and looking at the camera all at the same time for at least 10 years or so!

sad things that have happened in the past 3 months:

I stopped blogging for She {hearts} It.  I was sad to stop, but I'm feeling the tug to simplify and streamline things right now.  I feel like God is nudging me to let go of some of the "extras," and I want to be open to what He might have for me if I am obedient in that.


blogs I've been loving:

The Small Things Blog (yay for Kate's pregnancy!  I'm such a stalker), I Take Joy (Sally Clarkson, will you come live with me?!  I just adore that woman!), and I've really been loving beauty blogs.  I tend to go in waves when it comes to blog categories I'm currently interested in- sometimes it's home improvement and design, sometimes it's diy/crafty goodness, sometimes it's fashion, sometimes it's just inspiring words and appreciating the heart of some of the writers out there that inspire me.


music I've been loving:

The Lone Bellow, All Sons and Daughters, and The Civil Wars' new single.  Too bad we have to wait until August for the rest of the album!


Aaaand that's quite the conglomeration of thoughts.  My brain is relieved.  Happy weekend!

grapefruit, rapunzel, & a sewing seat

I should be sleeping, but instead I'm popping in to share a few fun tidbits of this week so far.

First, I've done yet another review of Nourish Organics over at She {hearts} It. This time, I've reviewed their new organic grapefruit wash, and I'm giving away an 8oz wash! There's a discount code too. Trust me, you're going to want to get your hands on some of this ultra-moisturizing, best-smelling-ever wash.

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Second, little girlfriend FINALLY just got her hair trimmed. For the first time. Did I mention she will be 4 in a few weeks? Yeah.

My Rapunzel just recently decided a trim would not shatter her world, and perhaps it would even make brushing her sometimes-snarly ends a bit easier. It was barely 2 inches, but the act of cutting my baby's hair for the first time totally tugged at my heartstrings. My dear friend Leah graciously snipped those ends, just like she trimmed Mac's hair for the first time about a year and a half ago.

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Third, I did finally finish the little seat to use at my sewing desk. I wish I had a "before" picture, but just imagine worn red leather and a scuffed, medium-wood finish. And the "after":

LOVE this fabric.

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Last, I've been trying to be much more deliberate in taking pictures with my real camera, not just on my phone. So here's a few of my littles to make you smile. The days have been long and often trying lately, but I love these little people with all of my being and we are all growing and changing. Especially me; especially my momma heart. This post especially resonated with me today. God's molding me, and all I needed to do was let Him.

Oh, and the kitchen is DONE! Pictures to come.

peace

Today is the type of day I just yearn for peace. Just a few moments of forgetting my to-do list and breathing.

My heart is broken for my many friends who are struggling right now, physically and emotionally. A dear friend lost her mother this week. It seemed like all I heard for days was bad news. Worry and anxiety have sneaked up on me and I've let them in the door of my mind.

I wish I could fix it all. I know I can't, but I still want to.

My words are not flowing easily from my head to my fingertips. All I do know is that I want to learn from these times and pray I turn to Jesus for comfort and strength; for me and for all my dear ones who just need peace right now.

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11

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On a lighter note, my giveaway ends tomorrow! Go enter. :)

one word - enough.

Last year (and the year before), I chose a word for the year. It's a word to inspire, strive for, encourage.

Last year, my word was patience. I scribbled it on my little chalkboard canister and it stared at me from my kitchen window sill all year.

I can't say I was super successful in becoming the most patient & kind girl this year... but I did try. I also lectured my kids quite enough on how important it is to be so... yet I'm not sure I was a living, breathing example most of the time.

This year, I majorly struggled to find "my" word. I felt like nothing could truly encompass the magnitude of what I wanted to change and to dwell on.

Finally, it hit me: enough.

I have, for FAR too long, tried to be enough.

Patient enough. Neat enough. Kind enough. Organized enough. Friend enough. Mother enough. Wife enough. Daughter enough. Steadfast enough. Creative enough. Involved enough. Loud enough. Quiet enough. Supermom enough. Skinny enough. Healthy enough. Talented enough. Strong enough. Cool enough. Brave enough. Loving enough. Confident enough. Funny enough. Quick-thinking enough. Interesting enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Witty enough. Tender-hearted enough. Calm enough. Wise enough. Leader enough. Determined enough. Gracious enough. Giving enough. Stylish enough. Graceful enough. Having-it-together enough.

GOOD enough.

PERFECT ENOUGH.

Is that enough adjectives for you? I really could go on and on.

For far too long, I have tried to be enough without Jesus. Yes, I believe in Him, trust Him, and follow Him, but I still want to do it ALL on my own. It's time for me to let HIM be enough (because, duh, He is) and accept that I AM enough WITH Him.

[Side note - ever write or say a word so many times that your brain plays tricks on you and you question if that word is even a real word? I'm there. Ha.]

I'm going to keep it real here. Yesterday, I was talking to Brynlee about New Year's resolutions. I explained that some people like to think of things they want to be better at for the new year, and that I wanted to "Be more patient with you guys, exercise more, and..." Pause.

"And not scream at us so much?"

Ummm. Why yes. Face palm. I laughed, but, HELLO! Wake up call.

Honestly, I've gone through my days without committing them to Him. I get so fed up and frustrated and scream at my kids after I've refused to ask Him to help me in the patience department.  I've moved forward with (small) business endeavors without committing them to Him, or even praying about them. I've tried to solve problems without Him. I've come to conclusions about myself (most of them not very nice) without consulting Him first and without remembering what He thinks of me (I'm His treasured possession {Deut. 26:18} - whaaat?!). I've forgotten that I don't have to be everything - and also try to be and do everything without Him. If I'm rejected, the wind is just knocked out of me. If I feel un -loved, -wanted, -admired, -successful, etc, I am just out for the count. I need to cry out to Jesus that I am not enough and BELIEVE that He is enough, before I attempt something (like getting out of bed in the morning, for example) and cry out to Him that He is enough if what I've hoped for or hoped to be fails. I need to not let all the other voices cloud my mind (even well-meaning ones) and first listen to the ONE voice that matters. I spend so much time comparing myself to others who seem to have it together so much better than I do (or envying the people that don't have it together but are okay with that!), or anyone else that is more "        " (fill in the blank!) than me. Blogging, pinterest, social media, and all the things that I let influence me pile up. Everyone else may truly BE better at me than everything but HE is enough and I am enough only because of Him.

And so, my word will stare at me from the window sill all year long. I have to say - I probably wrote and re-wrote the word "enough" on that canister with that stinkin chalk pen fifteen times until it looked as "perfect" as it was going to get. Funny (and symbolic) how I can't even make my word LOOK enough in my eyes.

I picked a word that I know I can never truly be. But God will be enough and He will make me enough. So freeing. I'm so excited.

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Happy New Year friends! Anyone else want to share their word for the year? I've noticed a lot of word-sharing on blogs in the past few days. Love.


In a week or so, I'm going to be getting a blog makeover (I can barely contain my excitement) and to celebrate I'm going to do a giveaway! It's going to be a giveaway containing some of my essentials for/things I've been loving so far this winter. This is gonna be fun. Bring it, 2013.

love for CT

I could just let a couple of weeks go by (again), not post, and just go on as if the events of Friday didn't occur... but I just can't. So many people are sharing their wisdom, opinions, and insights from this tragedy, and while I am no writer or preacher or inspirational speaker, I do have thoughts that I just can't hold in. I'm not sure how eloquent or intelligent this will come out, and I often can't put my feelings into words. I'm scared to put my opinions out there and never want to offend anyone. However, that usually results in me saying nothing, and for once, I'm going to share what's on my heart. I have no answers, but I can't help but try to make a little sense of things in my mind.

My heart is completely ripped apart and crushed for the families of the victims of this horrific tragedy. Those teachers, those babies. When I first heard about what was going on on Friday, I was instantly nauseous and just sobbed and prayed. I wasn't even quite sure what to pray as the number of casualties increased and facts were presented. I know there is no explanation, no right answers. I definitely think there are wrong answers to the "whys" (that it was "God's will," and so forth) and it is frustrating that some people were so quick to place blame on things of a political nature.

I can not even begin to fathom what those families must be feeling now. My heart feels like it's been smashed, and I have never even experienced a fraction of the pain that they must be experiencing now. After the news broke, my first thoughts were "I am never leaving my kids anywhere and I'm going to put them in a bubble and they are never ever going to school." Thoughts that I'm sure are normal, but were definitely a result of panic and the heat of the moment. As I've been mulling over everything these past few days, my heart has been tugged in the direction of thinking to do the opposite of my original, panic-stricken thoughts.

I hope my kids are the ones who make the difference. Not like it even needs to be said, but I would never, ever put my child in harm's way if there was even the slightest whisper of a threat of a possibility of a chance of a thought (you get the idea!) that they might be in any sort of danger. However, will sheltering them guarantee anything?! I am all for homeschooling and think it's wonderful (and would most definitely do it if felt called to do it or it was necessary for my children, and I have the deepest respect for the parents who do it) but I am more convinced that I would not do it for the sole purpose of protecting my children from the yuck and scariness of the world. It's a long shot, but what if my child is the one who ends up making the positive impact on that one child who would have otherwise grown up to be a mass murderer? What right do I have to deny God His hands and feet? I cannot and will not place blame here, but I can become further convinced that teaching my children that showing kindness, acceptance, and God's love and mercy are the most important things to show to others. I want them to learn that caring for their peers and being a light to this horribly dark world is more important than popularity, recognition, and even education. After this awful event, I am even more convinced of this calling on our lives and so determined to teach my children that we were created to love and care for OTHERS.

I am also convinced that God can take bad (terrible or horrifying or unthinkable... take your pick) things in our lives and bring good from them. He's pretty amazing in that way. I think it's our responsibility to honor those babies' and heros' lives to learn from what happened and let God change our hearts and habits. For me, (as cliche as it may be) I am feeling the tug to just BE with my kids more and appreciate every moment we have together. I've been so frustrated, so impatient, so discouraged lately. Yet, all that goes out the window when I strip down my role as a mother and wife. I remember that being an example to my kids is my job and drawing my strength from God is my only answer. We are not guaranteed our next breath, and I want to live as though I believe that. So, if this tragedy makes us habitually live in the moment with our loved ones; if it makes us put down the phone and the computer and the social media and the stresses and the fears and the selfishness... what better way can we honor those lives that were taken?

As this weekend went on, I could not get the song "Even If" by Kutless out of my mind. I pray I can have that faith: that I will still declare God's goodness and faithfulness "even if the healing doesn't come." I may have not experienced loss and pain and uncertainty like so many others have, but that doesn't mean it won't happen to me (as much as it terrifies me to even say that). I do NOT think that God's "ways" include "causing" terrible things to happen, but I do think that His "ways" do include revealing Himself to us through those terrible things.



"Even If" Kutless

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come



All I can seem to pray and lean on is "You are God, You are good."

Jesus, no matter the tragedy or trouble, please help me believe that. Please help me live it.

you're the best song

I've been dwelling on "You're the Best Song" by Bethany Dillon for the past few weeks. I'm going to keep it real here... I've really been struggling lately with parenting. Exhaustion, typical toddler misbehavior, wondering if I'm doing the right thing in certain situations, worrying about what other people think and how I may be being judged. This song brings me to tears (okay, sobs) and encourages me to press on in these challenging days.  It reminds me how blessed I am to be given the opportunity to shape little lives and how every day, every moment, is an important opportunity to nurture my babies- in so many ways.

I hope this brings encouragement to any of you who may be needing it... mommas and even mommas to be. Those prayers for our future littles (even if they are just a twinkle in your eye at this point) matter so much. I remember those times of longing for a baby and praying for whoever, whenever he/she would be and would come... or if they would ever come at all. Our prayers are the seeds that will shape who our children will become, be it soon, or later-than-sooner.  We may not see the fruit of those prayers until years down the road, but those seeds of prayer are forming roots deep inside of our children and, by God's grace, they will flourish in time.

  

And, the lyrics, just in case :) 

You're The Best Song

Good morning
You and the sun are up before I'm ready
But ready or not, you need me
So here I am

I'm learning that in the long hard days
There is beauty
Do you know my favorite place to see it
It's when I look at you

And though I'm tired now
You're worth every sleepless night
You're worth it all, cause I know...

You're the best song I'll ever write
And we're humming and dancing through the years together
You're the best song I'll ever write
And I pray you'll hear Jesus in it when you're older

I remember when you were just a heartbeat that I heard
and now our eyes meet
Forever is not enough to love you

You're the best song I'll ever write
And we're humming and dancing through the years together
You're the best song I'll ever write
And I pray you'll hear Jesus in it when you're older

Every prayer for you is like a seed in the ground
Every tear I cry is like rain
And in its due season
I pray a harvest will be found
Your heart and mouth confessing Jesus' name
Your heart and mouth confessing Jesus' name

one word

Early last January, I chose my "word of the year". Last year's word was warm. I wanted to become more of an arms-wide-open type person. More down to earth. The type of person that anyone would feel comfortable around.

I'm still working on being a warm person, but I think I have made progress. I hope I have. It's so easy to just close up inside myself and just do what I have to do, and not intentionally interact with others.

This year, I think my word will be patience. To be more specific, not so much with waiting for something to happen, but with people. I get so frustrated with people. I want to love people. Even more specifically, I want to be patient first and foremost with my husband and kids. Why is it that we often treat the ones we love most the worst?? Often, my patience tank is empty before we even get downstairs in the morning. The only person who is to blame for that is me. I desire to be more gracious, more calm, more understanding. My sweet family deserves the best of me, and it is my job to BE the best of me. Ryan is so calm, so patient with me and with the kids. I know that is in his nature to be so, but he just inspires me. I pray I can be the person my family deserves and the person I KNOW I was created to be.

Watch out, 2012. There's gonna be more deep breaths, more smiles when the only thing I want to do is scream.

Happy New Year, friends. Anyone else have a word for 2012?

on my heart

I don't know how to say it any other way, so I'll just say it like it is:

Being a girl in this time and culture is hard.

Believer or not, old{er} or young{er}, regardless of race or economic status, the pressure is still on.

I must admit that I have had a huge increase in confidence since getting to where I am in life now.  I have a family who supports me, a husband who loves and cherishes me no matter what I look like in the morning, and two babies who think I hung the moon, and close friends who would lay down their lives for me (and who I would do the same for).

Yet, am I confident enough just in myself?  Is knowing that I am a daughter of the God of the universe enough for me?

I want it to be enough.  I'm working toward it being enough.  Growing up, that knowledge was definitely not enough.  Yes, I was fortunate enough to grow up in a Godly home with loving parents, every form of physical and emotional security (for the most part), and had friends in my youth group that uplifted me.

So why was it necessary for me to always need to have a crush on a boy?  Even though these boys rarely knew of my infatuation, it was an emotional security for me to have someone to keep an eye out for, whisper to my friends about, and be the reason to scrawl in my diary for hours.  Many pieces of my heart had been given away long before I ever knew Ryan.  We started dating when I was 19, which seems so young to me now.  Sad to think about all that time I wasted pining after those oblivious boys, when I could have saved my heart for Ryan, and spent that time seeking out my Father.

Having a daughter of my own has truly opened my eyes to the pressures and yuck of this world.  I feel like putting her in a bubble and never letting her out; never letting anyone harm her, break her heart, or make her cry.  I want her to know how beautiful she is, not just outwardly, but inside, too.  At just two years old, I can already see her heart for people.  She is always asking, "Are you okay, momma?" and I know it truly stings her when she sees anyone distressed or upset.  I wish I could just pour into her everything I know now and that prevent any hurt from ever penetrating her innocent heart.  I know she does need to learn for herself to some point, but I will do everything I can to let her know how beautiful she is to her parents and to the God who loves her more than I could even know how to.  I want her to be confident in who she is, and not apologize for who she was created to be.  I still find myself wishing I was like someone else in more ways than I can count.  I want her to know how worth it it is to seek God's plan and quit obsessing over the silly things that cannot be changed.  I want her to know that her opinion does matter and that she is valued and respected, regardless of how young she may be.

This article has struck me deeply.  I read it last week and our pastor brought it up in his message today.  I know the idea of scantily-clad Rihanna is not even a taste of the influences that young girls today are succumbed to.  I not only fear for my daughter and the untouched hearts of every little girl, but for the hearts of those providing this influence.  I'm not here to preach or condemn, and I don't want to sound like a nagging mom know-it-all.  Perhaps all I can do at the moment is pray for the hearts of those in such positions of influence, and pray for protection the hearts of those girls not yet affected.

Ahh, I did not mean for this to sound like a grade school essay, yet I fear it has come out that way.  In school, writing was always my favorite task.  Yet, then and now I still feel like I can never express myself in the way that I would like to and fully get my message across.  Can you tell by this jumbled mess of words written prior?  I was talking to my SIL Leah today, and I was lamenting to her about how I never feel confident enough to share my opinions or what I stand for with people I don't know well.  And what she said to me will surely resonate with me for a long time.  "Practice is the only way to build confidence in something."  Seems obvious, but I felt like I was run over by a bus by that statement.  The only way I'll get the guts to do something, to be who God made me is to practice.  Pretty soon it will be second nature, and pretty soon I will truly believe in the girl God created and wants me to be.

My sweet Brynnie girl, happy and disheveled. Just the way I like her. :)

Easter Sunday

We had a beautiful Easter Sunday. The weather was just gorgeous (around 75 degrees all day) and after church we had a yummy meal at our house with Meghan and Adam.

First, Brynlee found her Easter basket.


Then Mac's.







For the first time, Brynlee went to the "King's Kids" service during church instead of the nursery. She's moving up in this world now that she's two! Mac caught a great morning nap in his carseat. He slept through almost the whole service!

Easter Sunday always gets me. I'm a very emotional person as it is, but Easter Sunday always brings an instant flood of tears. It's automatic. I remember being seven years old and feeling the exact same way. It's a combination of awe, gratefulness, shame, sorrow, and joy. And I love it. Amazing Love, how can it be?





Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
~Matt Maher

miracle baby

Brynlee has been a little crabby today, not napping and being extra fussy. Typical 7 week old baby behavior. That's what I have to keep reminding myself, that is. She is SUCH a good baby, she sleeps well at night (she slept THROUGH the night the other night, from 10:30 pm to 5 am) and usually naps well during the day. She gave me her first smile on her 6 week birthday, and is just beautiful beyond belief. I often wonder HOW she could have came to be so gorgeous, I feel so unworthy. It's days like today that I have to remind myself how blessed I really am. Not just because God chose to give Ryan and me such a wonderful-behaving baby, but because of the fact that she is truly a miracle. A miracle beyond what I thought the miracle of birth and life could be. Let me explain...

At my 20 week ultrasound, we were blown away by the little hands, feet, and heart beating away so perfectly. I cried as the ultrasound technician smiled and said "It's a baby girl." I just knew it. I had felt that she was a girl with every fiber of my being since I found out we were expecting. I didn't tell anyone that though; I didn't want to say that I thought one way or the other just in case I was wrong. The ultrasound tech told me that she was going to show the results of the ultrasound to the doctor and we would be finished soon. My mom, Ryan's mom, Meghan, and Leah had all been able to attend, and they all went back to the waiting room, all abuzz from the ultrasound. Ryan and I waited in the room for a few more minutes, as we were instructed to do. The doctor appeared in the room a little while later. She said they were happy with everything, except concerned about one thing. My placenta looked a little "thick" to them. It was much larger than a normal placenta, but we were instructed to not be alarmed. Um, me... not panic?! Yeah right. We were told that I would have to come back monthly for ultrasounds to monitor the baby's growth. Of course, I was absolutely sickened by this news. Everyone tried to calm my nerves and reassure me, but inside I was just so torn up about the possibility of something being wrong with my baby or my baby not making it. My baby girl. This baby that we waited for and prayed for, this baby that we struggled to conceive. I couldn't imagine losing her.

I went for my follow up ultrasounds monthly, and everything seemed to be fine with the baby. She was growing steadily, though my placenta remained "thick." The doctors were less concerned with the situation since she was growing and her organs were developing normally. I prayed and prayed that she would remain "normal." Near the end of my pregnancy, I had to have weekly non-stress tests, which usually showed the results my doctor was hoping for. I had to get a biophysical profile in the last few weeks of my pregnancy since the non-stress test showed less activity that day. She got a perfect score and again I was put a little more at ease.

A little more than two weeks before my due date, I had been feeling weird in the few days prior. I went to the doctor so they could check me out, worried that they would think I was this crazy first time mom who was too critical about every little thing going on in my body. Kerry had convinced me to call, and boy, was I grateful that she had pressured me to do so. My water had broken just a tiny bit. It was Monday. My next scheduled appointment was not supposed to be until Friday. I asked the doctor if it would have meant trouble if I had waited and not called. She just raised her eyebrows and said "Umm... YEAH." I was sent home (in tears) to grab my suitcase and meet Ryan to go to the hospital. I was induced that evening at the hospital with a cervix softening drug, and they didn't expect me to have the baby until the next evening at the soonest. Brynlee wasn't having that though, and was ready to come by 8 the next morning. A few pushes, and she was out at 9:04 am. Ryan said it was less than 15 minutes. (Please don't hate me, all you moms out there.) I don't remember much (I was so loopy from the drugs and from not getting any sleep the night before), but I do remember my doctor holding up the placenta (kind of gross, I know) and looking at it with a very strange look on her face. Brynlee, however, was beyond perfect. I couldn't believe that she was here and safe and healthy.

A few weeks later, when Brynlee was 4 weeks old, I went back to my doctor so she could check out the itchiness I had acquired on my legs and belly since I had given birth. Turns out, it was a skin condition that pregnant women usually get, but I was lucky enough to get it after delivering! When my doctor first came into the room, she greeted me warmly and then said, "So, is everything okay with her? She's growing fine, right?" She gestured towards the baby, who was sleeping in her carseat on the floor. "Um, yes, as far as I know she is... she had gained weight at her 2 week appointment," I replied, my stomach knotting up a bit. My doctor explained to me that they had had to send my placenta to the Cornell hospital in New York City to be studied because it was so messed up. It was full of blood clots, abnormal tissue, hemorrhaging, and other medical things that I don't even understand. Basically, my baby should NOT have grown at all from the condition that my placenta was in.

2 weeks later, I had my 6 week appointment and was back at my doctor's office. She reiterated to me how crazy messed up my placenta had been. She said she had never seen anything like it and that they had to have a meeting at the hospital about it. 'Hey, I'm famous!' I thought. She said that normal umbilical cords are firmly attached to the middle of the placenta. My umbilical cord was kind of hanging off the side of the placenta, ready to break off at any time. She looked me in the eye and said, "Ashley, your baby is a miracle baby. There is no other explanation. She should not have grown at all. It is a miracle." After I swallowed the huge lump in my throat, I bombarded her with questions. She assured me that no, this was not a condition that I had that would threaten other pregnancies, one cell in this placenta just went wonky and grew out of control. She had sent me 2 weeks prior for blood work to see if my hormone levels had went back to normal, and if they had not, she would then be concerned about the possible presence of precancerous cells in my body. The results came back normal. I kept asking questions, and each answer ended with, "She's just a miracle baby." When the appointment was over, I practically flew out of that office and sped to Carrie's (I had left her for the first time, in more than capable hands, but I was nervous to leave her nonetheless) to hug my miracle baby.

I give no credit to luck in all of this. I give no credit to the doctors, only to the Great Physician that guided the doctors through dealing with my pregnancy. The doctors didn't even know the extent of the possible issues looming inside of my body (my doctor said that if she had known how bad my placenta was she would have had been doing ALL sorts of crazy tests throughout my pregnancy). Only God knew, and He let my little girl grow and thrive even though she had a placenta that should not have let her survive. Honestly, how can people not believe in Him and chalk things like this up to chance or luck? Brynlee will forever have a testimony of God's grace and power. And so will I. Every time I look at our miracle baby, every time I am up in the night with her, every time I am tickled by her little smile, every time I see Ryan interact with her, every time I watch her sleep and hold my finger under her nose to make sure she is breathing I am overwhelmed by His omnipotence and grace. I will always be reminded that miracles DO happen. Regardless of any turns my life may take, I will forever trust and know that God is in control, and I also pray that knowledge for my little girl, my miracle baby.

Brynlee Elizabeth

Introducing.... our baby girl! Born Tuesday, April 7 2009 at 9:04 am, 6 lb 5 oz, 19 1/2 in.





I know I know, she's a week old now and I'm just posting! She came a few weeks early, so I've been kind of behind in MANY areas for the past week. We are SO IN LOVE with her though! She seems to be a pretty content baby and is such a little peanut. Ryan and I have enjoyed just loving on her and spending time with all of our wonderful family and friends who have stopped by and brought food. This little angel was definitely worth waiting for and I am blown away right now by God's grace and the miracle of life.

the kirnan "crib"

I have a secret. One that I can't keep anymore. I wanted to keep it longer, but I had to buy new, bigger-in-certain-places jeans today (ALREADY) and I am just about to burst (literally and figuratively)....






I am pregnant!!!!!






I'm 10 weeks along... so close yet so far! I am a bundle of nerves and sick with excitement. This has been a long time coming for us, and I was very hesitant to share this type of stuff on my blog, but I did find some wonderful friends through my blog who have been such a support and encouragement (and you know who you are). We are still in disbelief, but so confident that God really has chosen to bless us in this way in His timing. It is so obvious that this is the right time and the blessings have been almost overwhelming. Thank you all for your prayers and support.


AHHHH!!!!!!! SO EXCITED!!!!!!




*this pic was taken on girls' night out with Carrie and AJ, love you girls so much!*

throwback thursday... summer 2003

My great grandma died last week. She was 97 (and a half!). She lived such a full life, and her funeral Monday was more of a celebration than a time of sorrow. During the service, we even had a time to stand up and share a memory of her if we wanted. The laughter following each memory sounded through the sanctuary. As much as I thought I would not be very emotionally affected, since she was so old and so ready to "go home," I surprised myself. I was deeply stirred with feelings of regret, wishing I had been able to see her sooner than five years ago, wishing she had been able to attend my wedding. My dad's cousin delivered a beautiful message, sharing that my great grandma had asked him awhile ago to speak at her funeral. What really moved me was his emphasis on how closely she walked with the Lord and how he recounted seeing her kneeling by her bed in prayer late at night when he was visiting her in Florida years and years ago. He expressed how he had always wondered since then what exactly she was praying for that night and in her daily times of prayer. He talked of her letters (she was known for her detailed letters... sometimes almost painfully detailed!). He read one aloud; a letter full of remarks, updates, and questions about our family. After each person she mentioned, he paused and looked up and found that person sitting in the pews, and said directly to them, "(name), she was praying for YOU." I was floored. What a legacy. This picture is from the summer of 2003, at my sister's high school graduation party. It was the last time I was able to see and spend time with my beloved "Grandma Jantzi." She lived in Florida for years, then moved to Indiana when she began to slow down and need assistance. I am so sad that I was not able to see her closer to the time that she died, but I know she's partying it up in Heaven, probably pestering my Poppa, saying to once again, "Clear your plate and it will be a nice day tomorrow."

Rain

This video is 10 minutes long, but it's worth it. Trust me.

Rain (Rob Bell)