Monday, December 17, 2012

love for CT

I could just let a couple of weeks go by (again), not post, and just go on as if the events of Friday didn't occur... but I just can't. So many people are sharing their wisdom, opinions, and insights from this tragedy, and while I am no writer or preacher or inspirational speaker, I do have thoughts that I just can't hold in. I'm not sure how eloquent or intelligent this will come out, and I often can't put my feelings into words. I'm scared to put my opinions out there and never want to offend anyone. However, that usually results in me saying nothing, and for once, I'm going to share what's on my heart. I have no answers, but I can't help but try to make a little sense of things in my mind.

My heart is completely ripped apart and crushed for the families of the victims of this horrific tragedy. Those teachers, those babies. When I first heard about what was going on on Friday, I was instantly nauseous and just sobbed and prayed. I wasn't even quite sure what to pray as the number of casualties increased and facts were presented. I know there is no explanation, no right answers. I definitely think there are wrong answers to the "whys" (that it was "God's will," and so forth) and it is frustrating that some people were so quick to place blame on things of a political nature.

I can not even begin to fathom what those families must be feeling now. My heart feels like it's been smashed, and I have never even experienced a fraction of the pain that they must be experiencing now. After the news broke, my first thoughts were "I am never leaving my kids anywhere and I'm going to put them in a bubble and they are never ever going to school." Thoughts that I'm sure are normal, but were definitely a result of panic and the heat of the moment. As I've been mulling over everything these past few days, my heart has been tugged in the direction of thinking to do the opposite of my original, panic-stricken thoughts.

I hope my kids are the ones who make the difference. Not like it even needs to be said, but I would never, ever put my child in harm's way if there was even the slightest whisper of a threat of a possibility of a chance of a thought (you get the idea!) that they might be in any sort of danger. However, will sheltering them guarantee anything?! I am all for homeschooling and think it's wonderful (and would most definitely do it if felt called to do it or it was necessary for my children, and I have the deepest respect for the parents who do it) but I am more convinced that I would not do it for the sole purpose of protecting my children from the yuck and scariness of the world. It's a long shot, but what if my child is the one who ends up making the positive impact on that one child who would have otherwise grown up to be a mass murderer? What right do I have to deny God His hands and feet? I cannot and will not place blame here, but I can become further convinced that teaching my children that showing kindness, acceptance, and God's love and mercy are the most important things to show to others. I want them to learn that caring for their peers and being a light to this horribly dark world is more important than popularity, recognition, and even education. After this awful event, I am even more convinced of this calling on our lives and so determined to teach my children that we were created to love and care for OTHERS.

I am also convinced that God can take bad (terrible or horrifying or unthinkable... take your pick) things in our lives and bring good from them. He's pretty amazing in that way. I think it's our responsibility to honor those babies' and heros' lives to learn from what happened and let God change our hearts and habits. For me, (as cliche as it may be) I am feeling the tug to just BE with my kids more and appreciate every moment we have together. I've been so frustrated, so impatient, so discouraged lately. Yet, all that goes out the window when I strip down my role as a mother and wife. I remember that being an example to my kids is my job and drawing my strength from God is my only answer. We are not guaranteed our next breath, and I want to live as though I believe that. So, if this tragedy makes us habitually live in the moment with our loved ones; if it makes us put down the phone and the computer and the social media and the stresses and the fears and the selfishness... what better way can we honor those lives that were taken?

As this weekend went on, I could not get the song "Even If" by Kutless out of my mind. I pray I can have that faith: that I will still declare God's goodness and faithfulness "even if the healing doesn't come." I may have not experienced loss and pain and uncertainty like so many others have, but that doesn't mean it won't happen to me (as much as it terrifies me to even say that). I do NOT think that God's "ways" include "causing" terrible things to happen, but I do think that His "ways" do include revealing Himself to us through those terrible things.

Even If by Kutless on Grooveshark

"Even If" Kutless

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

All I can seem to pray and lean on is "You are God, You are good."

Jesus, no matter the tragedy or trouble, please help me believe that. Please help me live it.


  1. YOU amaze me and are such an inspiration. Thanks for letting God speak to and through you to touch people and help us navigate through this tragedy. And you are pretty stinking amazing with words. :) Love you!!

  2. just another reason why i am so proud that you are my daughter. I love you Ashee!

  3. Beautiful. Love you friend! Thanks for sharing your heart!